Sometimes we have complex feelings even we don’t understand…
I had a pretty bad morning and not a very good day. I woke up a little before 5AM and my cpap mask had apparently slid in such a way that it had made my jaw hurt. When I’m startled out of sleep, especially by pain, it almost always triggers a panic attack. I’m just guessing about the mask thing though. I could have hurt my jaw any number of ways and it only started hurting when it was at rest. It’s not uncommon for my jaw to hurt on one side or the other from falling asleep with headphones on, or just wearing them basically all the time. I also didn’t wash my eyes just to see how long the effect of washing them would last before needing to do it again.
I had a headache all day the day before and it was a very specific kind that takes place just above my eyebrow line, between my eyebrow and my nose. It’s possible that the sinus drainage caused my ear and jaw to get inflamed. This is also something that happens from time to time. In any case when I have a panic attack, especially a vert acute one, the effects last for abut a day and I’m stuck in a sort of perpetual anxiety mode. A general feeling of uneasiness and random bouts of dizziness. Additionally I have fits of shaking and muscle spasms. It’s all very disruptive and unpleasant. I haven’t had one in quite some time because the stuff with grandpa seemed to overwrite my normal anxiety with something different. Perhaps my normal mental defects are trying to reassert themselves. A lot of the time when this sort of thing happens I spend the day in bed, but I decided to just work through it because I couldn’t turn off the hyper awareness. So I made this page in a very inefficient manner. Being generally distracted and using social media instead of staying on task.
I am, quite frankly, tired of life being like this for me. I can never maintain a normal state of brain chemistry to get ahead of my problems to solve them.
I was 16 when I really started to have really disruptive mental disorders. I was plagued by this sense of disconnected ness from my body and strange sort of sleepwalking behaviors. Also severe depression and bipolar disorder. I don’t think they call it that anymore, but it’s basically what makes Kanye West act like a dickhead. I had a period of time where is evened out a couple of years later and maintained a relatively normal state for a few years. In retrospect I expect that was because I had a fairly stable relationship at that time that really kept the positive hormones going in my brain. Also just being around people helps with a lot of my kinds of issues. I will not generally seek out other people unless I am compelled by someone who loves me. Of course being around someone with the kinds of issues I have is absolutely exasperating, so they tend to cause you to drive away those people over time. You kind of grind them down like sand blowing across rocks in the desert. Slow, relentless, irritation. For me, the emotions that are able to keep my brain focused are anger and misery. They basically got me through the first few years of retail. My body just can’t handle that sort of sustained anger anymore though. It physically hurts me to get genuinely angry. If I had to put money on it I’d say that’s what’s going to kill me eventually. Some random asshole online will get my goat in such a way that I’ll be really furious and my system will finally fail.
Actually, if you want to know what it’s like to be me, imagine if the covid lockdowns were your whole life. Not being stuck inside per se, but those feelings of anxiety that you undoubtedly experienced, it’s like that forever. I saw all kinds of people go through exactly what I did when I moved to Colorado when Covid was diseasing it up all over the place. I don’t know if anyone took my advice for coping with it seriously, but my life didn’t change a whole lot during those years. It just got harder to get stuff to the house.
I dunno. I know I need to try and maintain a positive outlook, but I’m just so tired. My body seems to actively resist anything I do to make it more healthy. I’ll start to feel better for a few days and then it just throws an absolute fit. It’s like who’s side are you on? We need to all get on the same page various body parts. Normal J.T. is trying to set you guys right. Get with the program already.
You know, it’s funny, I’ve been calling myself Jackie online “professionally” for years, but when I actually think in the voice of the personality at the core of my being I call myself J.T. Even though Jackie is my name the people who really, truly, know me call me J.T. including me. Isn’t it strange that such a small distinction is somehow important?
Well, anyway, I should probably stop talking about this stuff. I know it gets to some of you who can only exist in a state of perpetual positivity. Since I don’t get to talk to anyone most of the time I need to talk to no one in particular sometimes. Hopefully by tomorrow this anxiety problem will have run its course and I can just be normal for a while again. I kind of thought the eye washing thing was going to facilitate that a bit but I guess maybe only sometimes. Live & learn, right?
If you’d like to contribute to my ability to live, & hopefully learn, please support my efforts via the links above. I will try to return here on Monday in a better state than you find me in tonight. I hope to see you then.