2246 Hell For Company.

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Growing up is the realization that no one knows what they’re doing, & every motherfucker is just winging it every single day.

We didn’t have our family Thanksgiving this year & I thought I was okay with that. Until, suddenly, I wasn’t. I’ve made a habit of not acknowledging my emotions when I need to get things done & I’ve been busy with a lot of stuff recently, but I got done with this page & let myself think about what’s going on for a second outside of my goals. It was a brief, but intense moment of grief that I guess I just had to experience & then accept. I’m sure I’m not alone in this deprivation this year. In some ways I think it’s actually kind of good to get something nice taken away from you, so you remember that good things aren’t promised. Appreciate good things. Give thanks for them.

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I know that feeling, It was the first time in 58 years that I didn’t have some sort of Thanksgiving get together with Mom and the siblings. You know that time marches on and it is going to happen eventually. Knowing that it is coming doesn’t mean you grieve it any less. It is an odd feeling, grieving a moment and yet feeling grateful for my own children.

Time is relentless & we all have to learn how to accept that. I don’t have any kids or a spouse, so If I outlive my family it probably won’t be for very long.

If I’m going to be thankful, I do because I genuinely feel thankful, not because I’m obligated to on a certain day of the year.

It’s one thing to say that you’re thankful, it’s another thing entirely to mean it.

The holiday simply makes it easier to gather, since everything closes. Being thankful isn’t mandated, but someone thought it might be nice to give people the opportunity.

That’s good to know. But, it also makes it harder to take the holiday seriously when people who are thankful for what they truly have in life will had gladly 180’d that thought just to get the best deals on Black Friday.

Thanksgiving Dinner was pretty good. This despite all expectations to the contrary, because I made it. Pumpkin pie turned out a little dry, though.

I’m not a fan of pumpkin pie, but I’ve never seen a dry one. If anything it always looks soggy to me. Maybe I would like yours.

I suppose I’m lucky in that respect. I’ve never been terribly close to my family, and due to mental conditions I can’t drive (largely heavy ADHD that makes it impossible to pay attention to everything I need to in order to be safe on the road) so Thanksgiving was a rare thing that mainly depended on whether or not the family I was close to bothered to attend. COVID really hasn’t changed much for me.

Ever since I started having the really bad anxiety & agoraphobia I haven’t left the house much at all. I rarely left the house before then, so all this has been is a fearful escalation for me.

I’m an introvert in the best of times; being with other people drains me and I rarely leave the house myself outside of errands. I have mild claustrophobia due to childhood trauma, but it’s manageable. What’s important to remember is that things will get better. New treatments for COVID are showing promise, and vaccines are seeing good progress. I know things seem bleak right now, but life will go on and there will be happy times again.

I’m a clown. This year has been hard on me as I like being the center of attention. Birthday parties have all been canceled. Sometimes, for fun, I just dress up and walk my stilts down the center of town. At least the police ignore me now.

“What, a guy can’t take a walk? It’s not like I’m sneaking.”

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