I worry about this sort of conversation. Not in a logical way, because I don’t have anyone to have it with, but I do worry about that sort of thing. Falling in love with someone who doesn’t share your beliefs must suck, and no two people match exactly anyway. There’s going to be something, from who your favorite magical sky entity is to where bowls go in the dishwasher. There’s a level of religiousness I could deal with because there are positive aspects in faith. It’s at that infringing on the rights of others area that I start having a problem. At the same time, I act pretty shitty when people use literally incorrectly, so it’s not like I don’t understand the zealousness of the righteous. At what point are you willing to trade your faith for your humanity?
My sternum pops out, for lack of a better way to say it, a lot. By that I mean that the top two ribs on my left side slide a little out of place where they connect to my sternum. At least that’s how it feels. Sometime I actually hear it when it pops in or out. I think it started from folding my chest in half when I sleep. I try to do things to keep me from doing that now, but every so often I’ll wake up and realize my chest is folded way in. It also seems to mess up my left shoulder. Recently my shoulder will pop in and out audibly if I move it certain ways. I’ve tried various exercises to strengthen it, but nothing seems to help. I suspect my use of drawing tablets contributes to the shoulder problem too. I used to pull the swing arm down with my left arm for hours at a time when I used my pc. Now that I use the surface I hold the tablet with my left arm a lot of the time. You’d think my left arm would be stronger from this, but my right is still the one with the most strength. Maybe because it’s constantly moving and the other is static. Anyway, the other day I did something, not sure what, that messed up my sternum bad enough that it’s really sore when I move certain ways. Basically my whole left chest and back are popping in and out at random. As you might know, problems with your chest right there can cause anxiety because it can mimic the feelings you get when you’re sad, anxious, and pretty much anything else you feel in the center of your chest. It’s very unpleasant. I’m accustomed to a certain level of this all the time from it being a constant issue, but since the other day it’s been ramped up. I can’t figure out what it is I need to do to fix it. I’ve never been able to build up strength in my chest. Even when I was young no amount of activity would build my chest muscles. My legs and arms would look like they had strength, but my chest only looks like it has any mass because of my moobs. This is unique in my family. The Teen’s father had such strong chest muscles at one point that he was able to survive a tractor falling on him. He held it up long enough for someone to find him stuck under the thing. In contrast I’ve never had any definition there at all. In fact, you can’t even tell there are muscles in the center of my chest. You just feel the middle of my ribs. The next time I go to the doctor I need to remember to ask about all of this. I feel like someone should know how to make me not feel shitty all the time.
I’ve been up doing stuff in spite of all these problems. If I don’t keep moving I feel like things are just going to get worse, even though I get worn out really fast. On the other hand, it seems like if I don’t lay down someplace soft for a few hours a day my kidneys don’t process things properly. I had been sleeping exclusively on the floor for support, but that was making me not ever rest properly. At least that’s how it seems. I have to balance between the floor and the bed. If I do too much of one or the other one of my issues flares up. If I sleep in the bed too much my chest gets messed up, if I sleep on the floor too much my foot swells up. You have to lay down for your kidneys to work right. I assumed the floor was laying down enough. Apparently it is not.
My allergies have also flared up because mom is taking care of my grandparents. (Grandpa fell at work.) The dogs have been around me, sleeping with me sometimes, more than usual. Dorothy has also been rolling in the dirt which means she’s dragging the outside inside. The left side of my face is affected much more by this for whatever reason. The lymph nodes on that side swell, and the muscle of the jaw. Strangely I clench my teeth on the other side, but it makes the left side hurt. My teeth are uneven though, maybe that’s why.
That was a long series of words. I need to start on next week’s pages, but I hurt. I want to lay down. I also want to feel that warm, secure, feeling of having my pages done. Man I miss that. I miss feeling like I’m making the best pages I’m capable of too. Treading water is what I’m doing here. I should’ve brought some floaties.