Poor Maddison, all you want it to love him long time and Alex keeps filling your mind with cake. Who can withstand cakey distractions? Well, me for one, but generally cake isn’t a lie. A friend of mine has a fetish for girls eating cake. I don’t like cake particularly, so when I try to draw gifts for him it always feels a little hollow because I project myself on to the things I draw. Since I don’t like cake I tend to draw sandwiches, or things I like. Even Carol liking ice cream is a stretch because I don’t particularly like ice cream. Almost every woman I’ve known has loved ice cream though, so it seemed more real for her to obsess over that. The onlt really sweet thing I am addicted to is DR pepper. Generally I like chips and stuff. I’ll forego desert so I can have more regular food because for me dessert is usually meh.
I wrote this earlier today when I was feeling more manic than I am now and I can no longer tell exactly how likely it is that I won’t finish on time. My body is swinging wildly from one feeling to the next so relatively normal J.T. isn’t sure how accurate sick and miserable J.T. is. Just know that sick me tends to be emotional and sincere, so the feelings presented are true even if my comprehension of the circumstances is possibly skewed.
Guys, I’m not gonna sugar coat this, I don’t know if there will be a new page up on Monday. So many things have happened at once that I just don’t know if I can make it happen. I’m going to try my best, but I don’t want this to come as a total shock if I fail.
Just as an update on what’s wrong with me, my blood tests show that my cpap isn’t working right. Its not working right because I can’t get an acceptable mask for it, I can’t get a mask for it because the company screwed up my insurance claim so my account is all fucked.
I also have some kind of infection in my sinuses that is preventing me from using my other mask. I’m on antibiotics for it that make me a bit sick.
My blood pressure is no longer under control. I get dizzy and weak if I get angry or am under a lot of immediate stress. It’s running high from the constant anxiety that everything is causing me. My medication has been returned to its higher dose because of this.
I’ve also been put on an anti anxiety drug, which worries me. Ironically not knowing what effects it will have on me increases my anxiety. I took the first dose last night and felt… not good. Its supposed to take a few days for it to start having its proper effect, but last night was weird. I didn’t like it. It was an unfamiliar feeling that took most of the morning to go away. It made me sleepy too. Sleepy in that way that sleep drugs make me, which I don’t like.
Everyone keeps telling me to calm down like its something I can just turn on and off. If I could I fucking would. It’s not like I chose for all this bullshit to happen, I’m just trying to live through it.
I guess it should go without saying that my foot hasn’t ever healed as well. It’s a little better than it was, but the blood vessels still haven’t healed. Without the cpap, and with all the other stuff, my krecovery has been retarded. It hadn’t ever healed fully the first time and that had already been months. Who knows how long it could be before it’s even close to normal.
Basically the only thing that makes me calm is a sense of security. My sense of security comes from the financial stability the comic brings me. So when I can’t work on it my sense of security gets shaken, which leads to anxiety, which hurts my body, which slows me down, which further erodes my ability to remain calm. It’s a cycle that’s incredibly hard to break.
I know you guys mean well when you tell me to take a break, but this comic is all I have. It has to keep being read, or I don’t have enough money to keep being sick. There is no fallback position for me, this is the last line of defense. When I’m making the comic it’s like I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. When I’m not doing it life feels wrong. I’ve struggled to be here on time, every time. You guys have allowed me to do something with my life I would never have believed was possible a decade ago. I can’t throw that in your face by not trying my hardest all the time.
I don’t know what’s going to happen from one day to the next anymore, but I do know that I’ll be trying to be here for you on time, every time, even if I fail. I hope that’s enough.
I’m going to try and do Monday’s page right now. Hopefully my body will hold out long enough to at least finish the inking. If I can do most of a page a day I can stay a tiny bit ahead of things. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have a good day and feel better.