I tried so hard to get the page for Monday finished, but it was all just too much. I can’t keep the days straight in my head but Dad and I rushed up to Springs because Mom had developed blood clots in her legs after having the ones in her lung removed. The entire extended family came to say goodbye just in case. They somehow stabilized her and everyone eventually left, apart from my sister, who stood watch. We went back the next day and things seemed stable. She was conversing with her grandson and things seemed like they were not quite so dire. Dad and I intended to spend one day art home to rest, but Mom took a turn in the morning, so we rushed back again. She was distressed when we arrived but they were working to get her back to a state where she could make decisions for herself again. We had that difficult series of discissions you have to have at times like these.
Mom’s prognosis was never good, but there was some level of hope at the start. Especially after the brain tumor didn’t claim her, but things didn’t go the way they probably should have at one point and complications arose. She responded very poorly to chemo. So here we are.
Doctors don’t like to give people an expected time remaining because it has adverse effects on the patient, but there comes a point where anyone can begin to do the math based on what’s going on.
As it stands now everyone at least got a chance to see her if the worst happens suddenly. Now we wait and see what the final score is going to be.
I am supposed to get regular phlebotomies, but when this started however long ago I stopped having them because they make me weak for a couple of days. I didn’t want to take a chance on mom needing me and not being able to summon up what strength I still have. I have reached a point where I’m entering the danger zone and can’t put them off any longer. So tomorrow I won’t be able to return to mom’s side. I have to get the procedure done. My sleep was already tortured because of the stress, which is part of what caused my numbers to get so bad, but it was particularly bad over the last week of trying to figure out what we needed to do to care for Mom and then the disaster. I tried to work on things when I was in the waiting area, but I was worried about taking my main computer up there so I used my backup. Unfortunately it crashed and lost all the work I did. Today I tried to do it with my actual main Surface, but I simply couldn’t maintain my focus after someone finally really spelled out the reality of Mom’s situation without sugar coating it. In twenty years I’ve never had a situation where I didn’t have something to present on a posting day. I think it’s fitting that my mother was the only person who could break that streak. It is so hard to imagine a world without her light in it. She is the last person left in the world who I ever did anything with hopes of impressing. I wanted her to live to see the next part of the comic because I really think it’s going to be some of my best work. She knows the real event it’s based on all too well. I just wasn’t fast enough. I thought we were going to get time to rest after everything with Grandma. I thought we were going to go places and look at the historical things we always talked about. It all seems so cruel.
And yet, when I was all alone, sitting in the waiting area, I sincerely thanked god for making me her son. Thanked god for giving us a few moths where I drove her around and did banal things we liked to do. The big occasions in life aren’t what I will treasure in my memory. Hearing the stories she told over and over, 4th of July fireworks, going to town to shop, that’s what I’ll ache for.

I don’t know what to do. My heart hurts so much. When I’m alone I can’t stop sobbing. Why is reality set up like this? Why her? Why now? She’s so good and loving and wonderful.
She let me live this crazy dream of mine. Helped me make it happen. No matter how much of a nitwit I am she loved me all the same. Called me a blessing from the day I was born.
A blessing. Me.
How are we supposed to go on without her?
Without that pure, unconditional, love?

She wants me to finish the books she was writing…
How could I ever? I’m not worthy of that.

I can’t keep going on like this. I have things to do tomorrow. How do you just turn off grief?

She told me she wants me to keep the comic going. I will. I don’t know how I’ll keep going right now, but somehow I will. I’ll take care of Dad so she won’t have to worry. Right now I don’t know how but I’ll find a way.

I don’t know what Wednesday will bring. Hopefully after my procedure I’ll be able to sit down and work and mom will improve at least enough to get out of the ICU and into wherever she’ll spend the rest of her time.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t power through this for you. I’ve always been very open about my life so many of you have been on this two decade journey with me for a very long time. You’ve stayed with me in good times and very very bad. Because of you all I’ve been able to have a very nice life for at least a decade as far as things like insurance go. You have my endless gratitude for that. I hope you won’t abandon me now.

Whatever happens I will keep presenting status updates on the normal posting days. That way you won’t get out of the habit of checking. Okay, I really have to at least try to sleep somehow. I’ll see you on Wednesday.

100 Comments

Jackie;
Having seen too many of my loved ones; parents, wife, in-laws, friends, shuffle off this mortal coil, I am in complete sympathy with your concern and grief. Your Mother needs you now and you need to be with her. The comic can wait until you are ready to continue. Prayers for you and your family. Be well.

Vibes.

My mom passed eight years ago. She was a diabetic who smoked, didn’t exercise, had bad sleeping patterns, and a host of other health conditions so that when things got bad even the normal things they should be able to do to help didn’t.

Took her 3 days in the ICU and 15 in the hopsice to pass.

The worst part for me was the feeling of powerlessness. Like there was nothing I could do except be there to make sure she was as comfortable as she could be and to watch her die.

The edges of the pain have dulled but it’s still there.

I hope your healing process goes better than mine.

The paint is the very real reminder of the loss of a loved one.

Thursday October 20th, 2011 I lost my father; it was sudden and unexpected, something no one in the family saw coming but it’s a hurt that I still feel 15 years later. You never turn off the grief, it just dulls with age. But there are people who help you, if only for a moment, forget that pain, people who share it with you. Enjoy every last moment you have with your mom, tell her you love her, so you can hold on to that in the darkest moments. And take all the time you need. We can wait for when you’re ready to continue. Focus on your family and your health; we’ll be here when you’re ready to move forward.

I want you to stop thinking we will all vanish just because you need time. I have a feeling that most, if not all, of us have lost someone (or might be in the same boat you are, losing them currently).

So I wanna say one thing: It’s ok to not be ok.

It’s ok to be upset and scared and sad. It’s ok to be angry and frustrated and confused. It’s ok to have ALL the big emotions right now. And why is it ok? Because you, good sir, are human. Like me and the other readers who are also human, minus those who are not (I see you voidlings). And to be human is to grieve even while someone is still alive.

We grieve because we see it: time slipping away and them leaving us. And we don’t want that to happen, to change, to be different. We don’t understand different, don’t know how to live differently. And yet, slowly, bit by bit, different becomes the new normal. Not today, not tomorrow, not even this year, probably. But someday.

And when it does, and it hurts less in the center of your chest and the corners of your eyes to talk about them, share with us whatever stories you are comfortable with. We will help you remember her, and in turn we can share with you our stories of loved ones gone too. And make this community one of healing and acceptance, like it always has been.

And from my household to yours, we light the candle and incense in the name of your mother and those who have lost someone this year. So mote it be.

Jackie, if anyone can finish her books, if anyone can continue doing anything after what you and the world is losing, it’s you. If you ever, and I’m repeating this from saying it before like so many others, need a day or longer, we understand and will be waiting for more. I’m terrified of the day I lose my mom, but I think you’re strong enough to be the individual she knew you were even if you doubt yourself.

Not sure if I’ve ever commented before, or what name i would have done it under. Take whatever time you need Jackie. A lot of us have been here for a long time, regardless of if we interact beyond just reading. Hopefully they all consider this webpage a home like I do.

Hugs! So many hugs if you want them. I lost my older brother and my mother in the last 18 months, and it’s so hard. She felt you are worthy to continue her book, and having read your fiction I believe you are as well.

Jackie, I’ve been reading this comic since I first found it in my 20s. I for one ain’t going to leave just because you need to take some time for yourself. It’s more important that you take time to take care of yourself and your family than it is for you to get this comic out.

Take all the time you need, man. We’ll still be here.

No trouble at all.

Admittedly, the Monday / Wednesday / Friday run will be worse without you around. But I and those like me will survive.

You’ve got all the prayers we can muster, and suitable amens for those that have already been said. And we’ll be here when you get back.

You’ve been here for us so consistently over the years please done feel bad if you need to take care of family, just know you’ve got people supporting you here. Take care of yourself too, don’t run yourself to the ground and by caring for everyone but forgetting to include yourself in that list. Hope everything is going to work out for you and your family.

Everyone else said it better than I can, but we love you and we won’t go anywhere while you take the time to be with your mom, and grieve, and take care of yourself and your dad. Your mom sounds amazing.

If you want writing help, contact me at the email I’m leaving. I’ve got some experience in the field and some spare cycles.

I lost my dad a little while back. Sympathies.

I saved it in my files.

Continued thoughts and prayers for you all; and adding to the chorus of do what you need (break/no break, etc.), we’ll be here.

Jackie,

I don’t know what I can say that won’t sound like a bad paraphrase of what SaphDragon said, but yes, hang in there, and may your mom do the same. And when you don’t, take time off, relax, deal with things in your own pace. We will be here when you come back, and I bet most of us will be here while you’re away too. I pledge my measly monthly dollar (or euro, I forget) to you in sickness and in health.
A little while back, you asked us for words of recommendation, but I’m not a man of words. Well, I am a man of _many_ words, but not of eloquence, but I went back to the very first strip and started re-reading the entire comic, this epic work of yours, this gift to those present and those to come, because I was hoping I would find something worthy to say, or maybe I was just looking for an excuse — I’m a bit of a comic-aholic, and sometimes I really need to binge.
I’m not good with people, maybe not horrible either, but I am all intuition and no analytics (which I fear makes me a lousy manager) and one thing, maybe not the most important, but definitely the one that stands out the most is that your characters, your people, come to life because *you* understand people, and I love that and I especially love how you show your work in the small behind-the-scenes posts that you sometimes share with us. Reading these texts make me think that maybe I could understand people too, and it makes me feel seen, despite making clear that there is something that you do very well that I never hope to do.
Tell your mum that there’s a rando on the internet who thinks she has good cause for being very proud of you, and that she can take solace at having brought joy into the world, and that this rando hopes that she will get to keep being proud of you for many years to come.
Thank you, Jackie. Let us know if we can help.

Praying for you and your family.

Yours is the last webcomic I still read. I don’t think that’s going to change just because of a few personal challenges you have no choice but to face.

I’ll keep coming back to read on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday as usual, even if it’s just to keep seeing how you’re doing.

Maybe it’s not in the same way as Olympians and sports stars and such do, but you do inspire me. The challenges of humanity alone won’t change that.

I’ve been here for most of the two decades of your comic. Focus on your family and you. The rest of us will be here when you get back.

Echoing so many others – love, light and peace to you and yours, and definitely don’t let yourself end up thinking that you missed time with your Mum because you wouldn’t listen to folk saying that we’ll not go away forever if you miss posting for a while.

Dude! I’m so sorry! I’ll be praying for you, and your mom! Take whatever time you need. We’ll be here when you get back!

I lost my mom very recently, within the last few weeks. The grief still hits hard some days, but the thing that keeps me moving is the desire to become the beacon of unconditional love my mother once was. Obviously, it won’t be quite the same for those that knew my mother, but for the next generation of our family, they’ll still have something similar, & maybe that makes it worth it.

I’m so sorry to hear that. I remember your username from long back.

Yeah, I’m still around. lol Don’t have as much time to read on the regular, but occasionally i manage to catch up.

Having lost 4 close family members (my dad, two uncles and an aunt) over the last 10 years, I know exactly what you’re going through. I can only repeat what everyone else in these comments have been saying: Your duties are to your mom, your family and, not least, yourself – NOT to us. Do what you need to do for those – we will wait.

I am going to pray for the impossible: that she makes a full recovery. Even if it may seem hopeless, I will hope against hopelessness. I will hope that at the very least, she is around long enough for her to see the part of your comic you wanted her to see. And then I hope she will be around for many years after that. My best wishes to her, and to all of your family. I pray for a miracle.

Oh geeze! Family comes first.

Jackie,

One of the worst things in life is that as we grow older we lose more of the people around us and we have no control over it. All we can do is go on with our life and remember the ones you love the best. You don’t have to be brave and you aren’t alone, no one will take the place of the one who is gone. Don’t let the darkness swallow you but allow yourself time to grieve, however long it takes. You are the only one who will know when. You know she loved you and you loved her back so remember that.

There’s no magic answer to find. No combination of words no matter how beautiful, no last moments together no matter how love filled and genuine and perfect. No amount of trying harder that can stop the clock. You will feel a million regrets, and each will feel like a way you failed personally. But that isn’t what they are, not really. It’s all just the pain of knowing you won’t have those chances and those moments anymore.

My brother took his life just over 14 years ago. Not the exact same as a parent, and no two griefs are the exact same anyway. To this day I don’t remember the 7 months that followed. I ate and slept and somehow I watched Adventure Time clips that led to me deciding to watch the show which was pretty much the only time I wasn’t in despair.

All this to say, if you find you can’t maintain your schedule longer – we won’t vanish just because of that. I won’t. I’m not gonna lie to you and say your views won’t dip if you take a few months, you’re too smart and too no-nonsense for that, but I am going to say that your real fans and supporters will wait and return.

Jackie,
I’ve been here for a few years, and interacted rarely, but it’s times like this that I want to thank you beyond monetary support for just being you. Your mom probably knows you better than anyone else in this world, and she seems to be very proud of you. She wouldn’t ask you to continue her books if she didn’t feel you were worthy of it, and as someone who has been reading your work for over a decade at this point, I believe she is right.

I hope that your mom pulls through, from what you’ve shared in your blog she seems like a great lady. Take the time you need to recover and handle what you need to handle. Some tragedies are big enough that they do trump work. I believe you have the strength to recover from this, it just might take some time.

Apologies if I have failed to communicate my well wishes and sentiment effectively.

No worries, dude, family always comes first

Jackie,

I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. It sucks, particularly once your own body catches up with demands of its own. Please take care of yourself, and not just physically. Remember to give your mind space to grieve.

And as an artistic mom, you ARE worthy. I know because your mom told you so. We don’t say that lightly. Maybe some day you’ll take a deep breath, look in the mirror, and remember her telling you that. Then you can feel free to finish her work on your own time. I hope that you find that inner freedom and peace for yourself, however long it takes.

Take all the time you need to get yourself through this. I believe in you.

I’m sorry for your loss, It’s been a bad year for mine too. My kid sister got food poisoning and passed away suddenly a year ago, then Last February my father passed due to alzheimer’s, then in July my lovely and loving wife of 41 years, after a 13 year fight, passed away. I was my father’s and my wife’s caregiver, I know what it’s like watching a loved one deteriorate. As it was I had to get at-home hospice for both towards the end, I pretty much ruined my health taking care of them, I’m seeing doctors for spinal damage (from having to left them up) as well as a weak heart. Hang in there, there are doctors that can help, I’m in grief counseling myself.

That is terrible… I remember your avatar from many years of comments. I hope you can find your way back to something like a good life.

Sometimes life just takes a dump on you, and you need to take some time to work through it before continuing on.

We’ll still be here. We’ll manage for a bit. Take whatever time you need.

It’s hard to answer that question of “Why?”. I’ve never been particularly good at my religion of choice, always leaning more toward agnostic than officially Christian, but it would tell us that she made it as long as she needed to in order for some grander purpose to happen. I’ve always found that to be hollow comfort. I do agree though that iron sharpens iron, though. It takes hard circumstances to forge a proper tool, or weapon, or person. It’s never a comfortable process; it’ll strip you raw. If you survive the process, you’re better off for it. But that raises the next logical question then; better off for what? The simple fact of the matter is that we don’t know. We exist in a lattice work of society and civilization that is so deeply interconnected, my words here to you this day could inspire someone twenty years from now. Honestly, we’ve always lived like that, bundling up little piles of inspiration and hope, and packing them off into the future. On the internet. In books. On parchment. On clay tiles. With our own voices. We don’t know how strong we’re going to need to be, so we learn and pass that learning on to others, so they can be strong, too. Even in our failures, we can tally up the losses and tell the future to be more prepared, or at least to know that it’s going to hurt. Sometimes that’s the only strength we have, the ability to endure hurt. The ability to lose a loved one – a parent, a spouse, a child, even a pet – and be able to tell yourself, “I’m going to be okay. I may not be okay now, but I am going to be okay.” It’s all any of us can do.

You mentioned saying your goodbyes. If you have any time left with your mother, cherish those minutes dearly. The process in passing on wasn’t immediate for my mother, it was very gradual, and I imagine it’ll be the same for yours. Making her comfortable is going to steal her away, bit my bit, but I suppose the alternative is to die in agony. Looking back on it, it feels so twisted. Hospice is basically one step removed from medical euthanasia. Doing it yourself is hard, but also easier in a way. I was with my mother less than three hours before she finally passed, rotating with two other family members for twenty-four hour care. I feel… better about having been so close in her final moments, but having done it, I UNDERSTAND why medical hospice is a business. It is HARD. And you’ll have no idea how long it’ll take. I think it’s the better way, being there personally at the end, but I will reiterate that it is hard, and not everyone can take an indefinite hiatus from life and work until it’s done like I could. If you do have the option, consider the choice between the two carefully. There’s no second chances.

As for the grief… it never really leaves, you just get accustomed to it. It’s akin to a gravestone in your mind, in your heart, and eventually you stop being shocked to see it, to feel it. The better closure you had, the faster you get used to it. Part of the reason I’m estranged from my siblings is none of them came and got that closure. None of them came to say their goodbyes and sort their emotional baggage one last time, and now they have to live with that the rest of their lives, and I guess they blame me for that. That, and a host of other issues. Don’t let anyone get in the way of finding the closure you need. Once again, there are no second chances here.

Godspeed, Jackie. I pray this is as quick and painless as it can be. I pray you get all the time you need. I pray you can weep and mourn and pick yourself up the next day. I pray for a new normal you’re comfortable with, a grave in your mind’s eye that you’re not tripping over for too long.

Godspeed, Internet. I pray you’ve taken and imparted the lessons we all need to learn, bundled up those little fragments of hope for the future, and taken what little fragments you may need for yourself today. I pray that today will be better for you than yesterday, and that tomorrow will be better than today, because we’re all fighting our own little battles. I pray that, if today and tomorrow cannot be better, that you can share that pain with another, and help their todays and tomorrows be better, in hope that someday distant yours will be better too.

Godspeed.

Theres absolutly nothing to appolgise for, life is shit sometimes, you gotta look after you and yours.
take what time you need to process this and recover
I for one will be waiting here

It is so easy to comment on these sort of things, and make it about myself. I truly don’t want to do that. You offer your art, your perspective, and your vision. Thank you truly. Your creations warm my blackend little soul.

I have felt your pain. I have lost both parents. People who I thought would be by my side for my entire life have left me. The analogy I use is that grief is a storm. It is entirely beyond your control. You do not fight it. You endure it. Eventually it eases. It may change the landscape a bit. It may even come back. But to persevere, you need shelter.

You have the shelter of family, friends, fans, and your art.

This place is not your responsibility. It is your refuge. Go out into the rain. Get soaking wet. We will be here to warm and shield you.

You are a human before all things. Humans are not perfect.
Take the time. Feel the emotions. Drink some water. Take a hot shower.

If you return to the comic, those of us who truly enjoy it or care about you will be here.
If the comic stops here, we will be sad, we will miss it. However, you owe us nothing and you have given so much.

Only you can take care of you. As much as I enjoy your stories, take care of yourself first and foremost.

Please, Take all the time you need to decompress, settle and figure things out. This is too important. I think everyone can agree, that one of the most important things in life is family.

And when things look better, which I hope is soon, you may return with a smile. No matter how everything turned out.

Have a hug from me.
Alles gute!

Listen, you take the time you need. Ive been here since the beginning era. Even the teen update days. You guve us a lot with this comic. Dont let the closing of her story stop you from living your own man. We all send our love and condolences. Stay strong man.

you owe far more to your mom than to us. Focus on giving your mom what is fitting and needful, and check in if and when you can. <3

as always, wishing you and your family the best, and pressing that your own health, physical and mental, comes before our entertainment

I had an unusual start, for today: I had to drink a huge highball/glass of water in a hurry, before driving to the store today.

I felt like I was drinking like Jo, and making Jo-like sound effects…like:

“Gup, gup, gup,…pah!” “Gup, gup, gup,…pah!”

I felt like Thomas was going to smirk, and lean over to me and say:

“Aren’t you drinking a little fast there, Kiddo?”

Take all the time you need to right now to be with your mom and dad. You can worry about the comic later on or whenever you need to take your mind off of things. We’ll be here for you when you get back. Family is more important than the entertainment of internet strangers.

Jackie, first and foremost my heart goes out to you and your family. Many prayers be with you. Second, don’t be afraid to feel everything… all the feelings. I am 57. I lost both my grandfathers when I was 15/16. One was a sudden heart attack, the other was 7 years of damage from multiple strokes. The sudden one came first, and it was a shock. Everyone hurt. The second one was a release from a life of pain and stillness and an inability to communicate at all. He welcomed it. I lost my grandmother 2 years ago at 100 years old. She outlived my grandfather by 40 years. After all that loss, one thing stands out to me: the amount of pain and hurt you feel is equal to the amount of love you shared. It hurts so much because you loved so much. Just know that all the worst pain, the worst uncontrollable crying, the despair and hopelessness.. it is simply you acknowledging you have lost and will lose so much that has meant everything to you. Don’t hold it in, let it out. Resist the urge to count the days you won’t get and instead, look back and embrace all the days you had.

Praying for you man.
My mom passed from cancer about six years ago and her birthday is the day you posted this.
I know what you are feeling and the only way I made it though was with Christ. It still hurts, but it does get better with time and having the Lord has made all the difference for me.

I hope when she passes, it’s easy. I won’t say I don’t want her to fight, but that she goes when she’s ready. I lost my grandmother recently, and it’s rough having lost both in roughly a year. I hope you and your father are able and willing to seek therapy as you need to help get closure when it happens, but I know it can be rough to do that, on a personal level.

Technical Difficulties.

100 Comments

Leave a Reply Cancel reply