I’ve been having that problem where I can’t fall asleep right again. I know it’s partly allergies, but I also hurt my shoulder and it only really hurts when I lay down, or try to play video games. Or I should say when I sit down in front of a TV to play them. I’m fine playing on my phone or whatever. It’s a very specific set of postures that are a problem. Also, when I say I hurt my shoulder I really hurt the whole right side of my back, but I only really notice the shoulder because it’s not something I’ve become accustomed to having pain in yet. Anyway, I got some muscle relaxants that I can use if it gets really bad, but I hate using pills to solve problems because they always have extremely strong effects on me. If I take an entire one of these things I am fucked up for days. I get way too relaxed. My body is not used to me being ultra chill. It needs a little bit of anxiety to exist at all times now. Like a drunk with the DTs. I gotta have some misery to exist. After the stuff wears off though there’s this rubber band effect where the tension reasserts itself that’s almost worse than the initial pain. So I resist using these things as much as possible and I’ve taken to cutting them into quarters so I only get 1/4 of the effect. That actually seems to work well enough to get me to at least one night of sleep.
The problem with that though is that if I sleep without some level of my natural tension I tend to kind of melt into a fat blob. Last night I slept on my arm without holding myself in tension the way I would normally and cut the circulation off for long enough that I woke up with my arm pretty badly messed up. It’s been the better part of a day now and everything is back in order again though. You gotta be careful about that kind of thing though cause you can get blood clots and that.
Since I broke the cycle a little bit my body has kind of been trying to sleep more but it can’t quite get to proper sleepiness because the allergies are overcoming the allergy pills. This latest round of harvesting has caused my whole family to be affected pretty badly by allergies. Even dad has complained. That’s when you know it’s bad. I guess it was the feed from across the road that is doing it. The corn was harvested a while back. I’ve always had a big problem with corn pollen and cottonwood pollen. Those were rough this year too. I don’t ever recall having allergies this bad from generic feed but I’m not sure the last time anyone planted any near us. I try to pay attention to who’s planting what so I can get ahead of it but we haven’t been in contact with the neighbors as much since Ilene passed. Not that she was a bridge for that per se, I just mean that’s the timeframe if you happen to remember me mentioning it. Everyone around here has been having strife of one kind or another that isn’t really related to anything other than the winds of fate.
Anyway, another part of what I’m having trouble with is that I’ve been exercising in an attempt to just improve my general health now that my bad foot is in better shape than it was for so long. It will probably seem counterintuitive but I’m healthier enough now that I am awake more often that I have been for years really. I’m not used to being awake so much. Part of why I slept so much was that it reduced the amount of time I had to feel anxious and be acutely aware of it. Being a little bit impaired helped keep my brain problems in check. When it’s working at 100% it’s too much for me to handle. I’m way too awake. When it first started being a really bad problem I would hinder it with constant podcasts and stuff so that it couldn’t maintain focus on things too strongly. Now that I’m kind of having that issue again I find that no one makes good content anymore. The podcast space is awash in corporate sponsored trash. The people who I liked made their bag and moved on, or failed and stopped. The constant enshitification of online content spaces has ruined everything that made them useful to me. So now I’m at a loose end as it pertains to mental distractions. It’s not like I have to lean on it like I did in the past. I have trained myself to disrupt some of the racing mind and intrusive thoughts over the years. I just liked having that ace up my sleeve for real emergencies.
I still have my old ipod that I got just after starting the comic. I probably mentioned it back then if the blog entries survived the various site changes. I haven’t gone back in in years so I’m not sure. Anyway, it still has all kinds of podcast episodes in it from back then. Like, 2007ish I’m guessing, era stuff. The battery has stabilized a bit over time so it can hold a charge for a couple of days again now. Anyway, there are podcasts in there from before John Oliver moved to America. Back then I really enjoyed his work with Andy Zatltzman (SP?). The podcast was called The Bugle. Oliver got the Daily Show job while it was still going and it totally fucked over Andy because he couldn’t carry the show by himself. I stopped listening when Andy was trying to cycle in guest hosts and it just wasn’t working. I’m not actually sure how it ended, or if there’s even an archive of shows. I’m pretty sure they had a patreon at one point but I’m not sure of that either.
There’s also a bunch of News Quiz episodes from when Sandy Toksvig was the host. I super liked her as the host. She went on to host QI after Stephen Fry left. If you don’t know QI you should look up some episodes on Youtube. Great show. I pulled facts from it a few times in the past for plot points. I think I even named a page after it. Up until the last ten years or so, before Britain started losing its identity, I really liked British content. Very little of it now has the quintessential Britishness about it that I grew up enjoying. A lot of those creators have passed away or gotten too old to maintain relevance. Plus the world doesn’t maintain its monocultures anymore. The rise of the internet and streaming kind of broke that in a general way worldwide. America doesn’t have a monoculture anymore either and we are clearly at loose ends over it now. Like, you should all know that I understand impermanence at this point, but it’s still strange to live it even if you expect and accept it. Every day a little bit of the world I grew up in passes away the same way that it will for all of you younger people. I’m sure it doesn’t seem to have as sharp an edge yet, but it time you’ll start to notice it more and more.
It’s ironic that as creatures fundamentally created in impermanence we tend to desire permanence so much.
Sometimes I get flashes of save points in my head of old times. Like the time my grandparents showed up unannounced at my school during a snow storm to visit me on my birthday. Or the tree that sat outside our house in Kinsley. Or the house in Kinsley itself. Being in the yard. Playing with my Dagobah playset with the broken sprinkler in the yard. The mean kids from next door. Learning to tie my shoes. The house across the street. Sometimes I feel like I’m in both places at once. I’m in Garden using my sister’s old Barbie pool to make a Ninja Turtle lair. I’m playing Final Fantasy for the first time. Reruns of Whose Line Is It Anyway are playing as I sit in the basement, in misery, on my lunch break. It’s 911 and my mother just woke me up because she came to Garden that day. I’m starting to jump around in my timeline. I’m on the porch swing with Kathy. I’m looking out the window of Uncle Jack’s old house. Romeo And Juliet is on TV when we get the call that Uncle Jason died in a car wreck. Kit is in the other room crying because Claws scratched her eye. My heart breaks with the memory of the sound. She’s on the table as we put medicine in her eye so she won’t lose it. She’s dying in her bed. I feel her take her last breath. I watch Sadie fall over dead and twitch as she finally gives in to her mortality. Dorothy is gone, but she’s still warm. Roxy is dying in my arms and I can’t do anything. Sister is in her bed with her eyes open, but she’s gone… I’m picking up Solomon with mom to wrap him in a blanket so we can bury him. Why did I let myself jump back so much? I’m sitting in front of the second Microsoft Surface I’ve owned. It’s now. The tears washed some of the pollen out of my eye sockets. I’m normalized more than I have been in a few days.

This is the 2908th numbered page I’ve posted for my webcomic. I wonder if this is what I was supposed to do. Or if there is anything anyone is supposed to do. This is what I did regardless. All those things led me to this spot. I’m grinding my teeth so hard I can hear it through my bone. Noticing it makes me stop. The idea of deleting this post comes into my mind. What if these vulnerable words drive someone away? What if being me drives more people away? Most of what I’m feeling is the allergies screwing me up. I should mask back up like an adult would. Lying to the world is what we’re supposed to do. We’re never supposed to be our real selves. That’s why we have no professional friends anymore. Just put the mask back on. It’s cracked, and it doesn’t fit your fat face anymore, but it’s something. These people deserve better than you. Pretend like you’re a better you for them. They’ve earned it Jackie. The ones who came this far earned better from you. Honor the deal.

This is what happens when the words get backed up.

I know it’s become habit to say this, but I genuinely hope you have a nice weekend. I hope the road rises to meet you and there’s a wind at your back. It’s not words through the mask when I say these things. I want to reach you with good wishes so you can pass along good wishes of your own. On Sunday night, if God sees fit to give me the days, I will post another page for Monday and the journey will continue. I hope we can meet back here for that. I hope we can keep meeting for a long time. I put a brofist in the screen if you want it.

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Everyone except Evrina are doing the “press X to doubt” faces hahahahaha

Yeah I ship it hard

Ah. They’re that one meme I’ve seen in recent years of two people:

Person 1: Okay, I think it’s finally time. I want you to be my boyfriend.

Person 2: We have been literally married for five years.
…

That jumping around? I get that when I do edibles. I don’t do edibles anymore.

It’s fine, Jackie. We get it. More and more people have more bad memories than good ones, I mean the really strong memories. Our life is increasingly, like the internet itself, just content, something we experience then forget in 5 minutes. I have a big family, and we do big family events, but I can’t hardly remember them either–should be very happy times, but they all just blur together and nothing special happens. It’s unfortunate, but I can’t change it; I just put my faith in Blast Hardcheese.

As for your back, I can’t remember if you’ve ever mentioned it, but a chiropractor and/or deep tissue massage would probably help. Maybe look up some exercises you can do for it at home too (like specific stretches, not doing weights). My back got worse and worse until I started making active efforts to fix it. I also got a new and relatively cheap mattress from the Foam Factory online; I used to live next to the factory, and they make quality stuff without the name-brand mark up. Ignore me if I’m preaching to the choir or whatever.

As for podcasts, I like EFAP. I also just like long breakdowns of games and movies in general; they can give you hours of things to listen to. Lots of channels for that, and some of them are actually good, or at least entertaining enough. Even Pyrocynical now has several good, long videos to watch, as weird as that is. Maybe this is more second-monitor content, but still gets the job done when I, too, don’t want to think too much.

Worth keeping in mind that chiropractors fall into that hazy line of “Things that actually do work but have enough bad actors to make it hard to recommend.” It is a specific thing for a specific set of problems that other methods don’t work well for, not a cure-all.

If the chiropractor offers services well outside the realm of back/neck pain and migraine relief (with side effects of brief but intense nausea on the latter), probably best to keep looking for another chiropractor.

She is in deep, deep denial.

Are you two are a couple.

THEY KNOW.
I won’t be surprised if Brooksie finds a way to make it happen.

I’m sorry to hear that you feel badly, Jackie.
I hoping that you’ll feel better, soon.

Hang in there, Jackie. I never really could understand why showing vulnerability would drive someone away. We all are vulnerable.

Regarding British content: have you tried Taskmaster? I mean the actual British version, not the failed American format. Today is the final episode of Series 20. Andy Zaltzman was in Series 18 or 19? It is a gem of a show.

Since we got back to the rainy season here, I’m pretty sure it’s mold that creeps up on me when I lay down, so if I don’t take a fexafenadine before bed, I wake up choking with phlegm about 90 minutes after I fall asleep. I also dim my screen if I’m reading to fall asleep, and I have F.Lux on my computer. If I’m already congested, I take an expectorant and not a decongestant so I can get clear rather than risk a sinus infection.
I’d also say get a cuff so you can check your blood pressure whenever you want, and a heating pad to loosen up that back/side stiffness.
Hope you feel better.

This is Therapy. Make as long winded a post as you like, when you need, as many As needed. It will feel better to have it written down and refer back to at the very least. Cathartic at the best. From what said though, seems a celebration of the Good is in order. Start with a good breakfast, or memory of one and work out from there.
As For the naysayers? They’re just triggered because their own situation is worse.

https://www.bestbuy.com/product/germguardian-743-sq-ft-tower-air-purifier-with-hepa-pure-filter-intellisense-air-quality-monitor-uv-c-ac4880g-graphite/J3LFVTS5G3

Check the above out for all air purifying needs.

A few years ago I found an old mixtape, the playing of which hurled me back into the emotions of the time it was compiled, the (at the time) hopelessness and heartbreak of my early 20s. The first girl I’d ever kissed, loved, had sex with had gutted my life both emotionally and financially. Have you ever seen the meme “My first love was like Forrest Gump and Jenny. I was retarded and she was a whore.”. After running up nearly $4,000 in debt in my name, she ran off to the other side of the country to shack up with a man her father’s age who she met in a bdsm chat room. That was nearly the end for me, but my two best friends basically forced me to stay alive, metaphorically kicking my door down and dragging me into the sunlight. It took a long time, but getting back on my feet and moving forward is the only way. Now, in my late 40s, I finally have most of the things I was despairing over back then. A loving wife, a child, a bumpy but challenging career. If I quit back then I wouldn’t have ever had anything good in my life.

I liken it to Charlie Brown kicking the football. Yes, Lucy snatches it away and laughs at him, she has done so every other time, but maybe not today. Maybe today is my time, and I won’t get it if I don’t go for it. It’s not poor Charlie Brown being naive, it’s him never giving up and turning his back on a chance. (And for the record, he did canonically kick the football, finally. He sent it over the house, and Lucy had to go find it.)

Please be encouraged. I know that creativity on the internet brings a whole ecosystem of worthless critics and trolls, but they ARE worthless. You have real voices in here as we!!. I like your comic, I’m on your Patreon, I appreciate and respect your effort. We believe in you.

The fact that she can’t keep her hands off him is pretty much all I needed to know, and if I were any more socially incompetent I would probably be some kind of shark.

2908 Lifemates.

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