2787 It’s Called Hentai, And It’s Art.
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I’m not 100% sure if the idea of being ashamed of your art will make any sense in our modern, post shame, world. I feel like there must still be places that exist where shame functions the way I remember it as a child and I’m banking on some percentage of my audience being able to cast their minds back, back, back, to a time where shame was an effective means of control. About 5 years ago I reached a point where I found I really didn’t care all that much about what happened to me, and really embraced being the pile of garbage I am in a way I was never able too when I had a lot more hope. At that point the sting of shame was reduced to a point of near irrelevance. I truly realized that the world is controlled by soulless monsters and nothing I’m capable of doing even approaches the outer walls of evil those people are capable of, so why should I feel anything at all if I want to draw sexy catgirls eating cake all day? If I manage to get though a day without purposefully exploiting another sentient being I feel like I’m doing just fine really in the relativistic grand scheme of things. As someone bound by a sense of personal morality I’m always going to be fighting reality, the system, or whatever you want to call it, at a huge disadvantage.
I say this in a joking manner to one degree, or another, and I state that because it seems like a percentage of people who read my blogs simply think I 100% am being serious about everything I say all the time. Similar to how they think the characters in the comic are 100% truthful about what they say all the time. Everything and everyone is taken at face value all the time and I noticed it after all these long years a while back. I didn’t think to speak directly to them until now. Sometimes I just say things because it amuses me to say them. Sometimes a wrap my feelings in so many layers of irony even I am no longer sure what I actually believe or feel. Sometimes I operate at levels of self awareness that it seems like I have no concept of self at all. To a human with no capability to spot nuance that must be very confusing. Even that statement might well be taken as an affront, or attack, because the reader is trapped in a world where scratching the surface of a concept simply reveals more surface. It’s surface all the way down. How ironic it is that the very device I have used to make the comic for over a decade at this point is even named Surface. Surface Pro even. Why, if I were a superstitious sort I might even think that the world itself has been mocking my very existence with such blatant symbolism. I hope that whatever observer makes reality fall into line is getting a good laugh over all the humorous breadcrumbs they’ve placed in my life. If it’s the one that gives children cancer I’m sure their sense of humor is so far outside of what I can comprehend that I can only assume they’re getting a chuckle out of what daily struggles are.
Where does that leave everything? You know what? Let’s not worry about it. Maybe just looking at the surface is the better way to be. Black is black, white is white, and there isn’t billions of subtle levels of gray moving from one side to the other. There’s simply a comic, a reader, and a creator who wishes the reader a nice Wednesday. Perhaps, in this spirit of goodwill, the reader will take a moment to also observe the methods of support available to them and express their appreciation monetarily. Truly that would be divine, in the humble opinion of the creator. Even if this doesn’t happen I hope you remain safe until our paths cross again.
17 Comments
I’m only ashamed of my old work, but that means that I’ve grown as a person and an artist.
The only reason my old work is accessible (and the shame continues and persists) is because I’m too lazy to filter through and take it down.
You’re making me curious now ;)
It’s times like these that I have to remind myself that people who only just now see it will likely think differently. Because everything I do ends up seeming like crap after a few months of living with it cheek-and-jowl.
Like Ben Franklin said, fish, like visitors, start to stink after three days. I think it’s true about art you make, too.
I love seeing old work from other artists. Especially when I was starting out and getting frustrated, I’d see old art, and could see how far they had come. It was super encouraging to see!
Since Evrina seems to respond to most challenges with retorts + anger, I wonder if it’s hard for her to say, to even herself: “I’m in love with him or her.”.
Hm.
Do you read the webcomics Goblins or Order of the Stick?
No.
Goblins is a terrible webcomic and should just be put out of its misery and ended.
I will admit that I haven’t read any of it for a while, but Goblins was a pretty decent story for quite a while. While I don’t pretend to care enough to have sorted through what all happened exactly, I think the author went through a whole lot of personal drama which has gradually seeped into the more recent arcs in a negative fashion. I should figure out where I was in it at some point and see where it ended up.
I’ve read it recently. It’s 16 pages for the whole of 2024 alone.
The artist is holed up somewhere in the USA with the girlfriend they had a fundraiser for, and Danielle had enough of the shit and divorced them. Since then it’s been lots of fundraisers, very few pages.
Oh, the animated teaser came out as well. Had the password for it, so may need to find that.
It’s… very not good.
H-uh. That’s unfortunate. I remember enjoying Goblins a long, long time ago, but gave up on it after a lengthy hiatus. Bit like Erfworld where I leave hoping one day they’ll finish it and I can come back, but no the whole thing just melted down…
Wait, Evrina isn’t the only comic artist in Order of the Pelt? Ooooh!
Also, she seems a fair amount of embarrassed and shocked, and you depicted that nicely. It’s so different for her.
*spontaneous applause* I got to that image of Evrina’s freakout and said, ‘aha, it me! a whole new reaction image’ but then got to what you had to say about that. Today’s notes are powerful, Jackie, and so well framed. It can stand alone as an essay, I reckon. Thank you for the reminder (rebuke?) to us on this side of the screen.
Also, thank you for this convo between Jess & Evrina.
Jackie, so much of what you wrote in today’s blog (and many blogs before) resonates with my own life. It’s always a comfort to realize we’re not (yet) complétely alone in seeing the world in that way. …Although I sort of envy (if I were prone to envy, which I’m nót luckily) the “normal” people, who seem to get trough life mostly without these thoughts.
Oh, i know the shames. Shames and i are well acquainted. It’s been a while since i’ve drawn. like really drawn for my own fun. had the vcl account and all that in junior high (so many moons ago), see if i get back into it one day.
Alot of the embarrassment i feel now looking back at old art is mostly how limited and ignorant many of my views/perspectives and beliefs were, and being a wretchedly lonely sort, how all that came out in my art.
Jess is definitely struggling to keep on target… i relate “i’ve come to apologize, or try to right a thing.. wait! rabbit hole, squirrel on clarifying my perceptions or something i feel is inaccurate’
fair point that Evrina may be honest that she isn’t in love with them, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t attracted to them. It is interesting to distill the meanings between the words on how each of them define love/like/attract in this conversation (my own limited musings of course).
oh yeah, and i like your choice of framing in the first panel for Jess, for me it conveyed not only Evrinas physical perspective, but more so the emotional view of how Jess may still be coming across as dominate/inflexible/or imposing, even though her words could be received as a hurting heart trying to reach out.
for me, i’m struggling with Jess right now, feels like she has an inability to simply say “im sorry” with out setting a record straight (to which, again, i relate to that struggle, which is probably why it irks me a bit seeing it)
I really thought I was cooking with that first panel until I got past the sketch stage and was trying to actually make it look right. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take though, so I tried.