I tried so hard to get the page for Monday finished, but it was all just too much. I can’t keep the days straight in my head but Dad and I rushed up to Springs because Mom had developed blood clots in her legs after having the ones in her lung removed. The entire extended family came to say goodbye just in case. They somehow stabilized her and everyone eventually left, apart from my sister, who stood watch. We went back the next day and things seemed stable. She was conversing with her grandson and things seemed like they were not quite so dire. Dad and I intended to spend one day art home to rest, but Mom took a turn in the morning, so we rushed back again. She was distressed when we arrived but they were working to get her back to a state where she could make decisions for herself again. We had that difficult series of discissions you have to have at times like these.
Mom’s prognosis was never good, but there was some level of hope at the start. Especially after the brain tumor didn’t claim her, but things didn’t go the way they probably should have at one point and complications arose. She responded very poorly to chemo. So here we are.
Doctors don’t like to give people an expected time remaining because it has adverse effects on the patient, but there comes a point where anyone can begin to do the math based on what’s going on.
As it stands now everyone at least got a chance to see her if the worst happens suddenly. Now we wait and see what the final score is going to be.
I am supposed to get regular phlebotomies, but when this started however long ago I stopped having them because they make me weak for a couple of days. I didn’t want to take a chance on mom needing me and not being able to summon up what strength I still have. I have reached a point where I’m entering the danger zone and can’t put them off any longer. So tomorrow I won’t be able to return to mom’s side. I have to get the procedure done. My sleep was already tortured because of the stress, which is part of what caused my numbers to get so bad, but it was particularly bad over the last week of trying to figure out what we needed to do to care for Mom and then the disaster. I tried to work on things when I was in the waiting area, but I was worried about taking my main computer up there so I used my backup. Unfortunately it crashed and lost all the work I did. Today I tried to do it with my actual main Surface, but I simply couldn’t maintain my focus after someone finally really spelled out the reality of Mom’s situation without sugar coating it. In twenty years I’ve never had a situation where I didn’t have something to present on a posting day. I think it’s fitting that my mother was the only person who could break that streak. It is so hard to imagine a world without her light in it. She is the last person left in the world who I ever did anything with hopes of impressing. I wanted her to live to see the next part of the comic because I really think it’s going to be some of my best work. She knows the real event it’s based on all too well. I just wasn’t fast enough. I thought we were going to get time to rest after everything with Grandma. I thought we were going to go places and look at the historical things we always talked about. It all seems so cruel.
And yet, when I was all alone, sitting in the waiting area, I sincerely thanked god for making me her son. Thanked god for giving us a few moths where I drove her around and did banal things we liked to do. The big occasions in life aren’t what I will treasure in my memory. Hearing the stories she told over and over, 4th of July fireworks, going to town to shop, that’s what I’ll ache for.

I don’t know what to do. My heart hurts so much. When I’m alone I can’t stop sobbing. Why is reality set up like this? Why her? Why now? She’s so good and loving and wonderful.
She let me live this crazy dream of mine. Helped me make it happen. No matter how much of a nitwit I am she loved me all the same. Called me a blessing from the day I was born.
A blessing. Me.
How are we supposed to go on without her?
Without that pure, unconditional, love?

She wants me to finish the books she was writing…
How could I ever? I’m not worthy of that.

I can’t keep going on like this. I have things to do tomorrow. How do you just turn off grief?

She told me she wants me to keep the comic going. I will. I don’t know how I’ll keep going right now, but somehow I will. I’ll take care of Dad so she won’t have to worry. Right now I don’t know how but I’ll find a way.

I don’t know what Wednesday will bring. Hopefully after my procedure I’ll be able to sit down and work and mom will improve at least enough to get out of the ICU and into wherever she’ll spend the rest of her time.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t power through this for you. I’ve always been very open about my life so many of you have been on this two decade journey with me for a very long time. You’ve stayed with me in good times and very very bad. Because of you all I’ve been able to have a very nice life for at least a decade as far as things like insurance go. You have my endless gratitude for that. I hope you won’t abandon me now.

Whatever happens I will keep presenting status updates on the normal posting days. That way you won’t get out of the habit of checking. Okay, I really have to at least try to sleep somehow. I’ll see you on Wednesday.

Technical Difficulties.

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