2016-11-28-bf1621-threetimes


1621 Three Times.

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I always second guess commenting on the physical appearance of the characters, especially the girls, now. I’ve been on the internet, absorbing the conflict, for well over a decade. In addition to growing up in the 80s and 90s where society gave out so many conflicting messages to boys that it’s a wonder all men aren’t as fucked up as me now. The constant commentary about gender, sexualization, the male gaze, feminism, and everything even tangentially related to it has given me a shaky hand in a creative sense. Who is going to give me the most shit if I do what I’m thinking about doing? Who is going to quit reading if a character that has been portrayed as callous acts that way and makes a joke at the expense of a fat person? It’s a constant brawl in my brain trying to pick a master. The fact that I’m partially cauterized emotionally at the moment doesn’t help because half the time I don’t feel anything anymore and have to rely on experience to do things I think I would like if I were in my right state of mind. I’ve trained myself to function even when I’m broken. All of the damage done over the time I’ve been making this comic has been cumulative, and nothing has come along to repair it. I need something that will fill in the holes as they get made, but the stuff that used to work doesn’t anymore. Maybe that’s why I like building things with Lego so much. It feels like i’m putting something together the right way for a change, if only for a little while.

I actually drew the entire motorcycle out so that Nina would fit on it properly. I only inked the part you see, but the sketch layer had the entire bike. In my head there was going to be more stuff to do with the bike, but then I realized it wasn’t really important and I don’t have the time or skill to be as cinematic as my head wants. Basically this is the process I go through with every page. Really high goals, acceptance of my abilities, then I make what I can realistically make. It’s kind of demoralizing when you look at it over time. I cut so many corners you’d think the comic would be presented in a circle.

I hate having to edit mistakes and stuff. On this page I was really happy with it then today as I looked I realized there was no way the helmet I drew would fit over Nina’s head. It seemed right at 5 AM after not having slept, but through fresh eyes it was clearly incorrect to a point that was unforgivable. So I went in and painted over the layer. Usually I fix things properly, but today I was like fuck it. I don’t foresee any future time where I’m ever going to need these pages in a state where I need perfect linework. I doubt seriously that there will ever be any more printed volumes of the comic. Once I’m gone they will exist as long as the website does then disappear into the digital nothingness that all digital media does when society collapses. The plans to at least publish the first story dissipated and it looks like that it’s never going to happen. I guess I shouldn’t say never. It’s just on hold until such time that I can do everything else to keep things running AND sort out the book. If I die before that time it will fall to someone else, if anyone exists that cares that much. They don’t now so why would they suddenly at that point. I won’t be there to see it so I don’t care.

I’ve still got that fucking sketch I paid $300 dollars for to make the tenth anniversary poster with sitting on my hard drive, largely untouched. I think I was the only one who cared about it in the first place. I feel like I should finish it though. Even if it’s only for me. Someday…