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13th birthday

I have a tendency to get these wild ideas in my head that I’m going to do a huge project in moments of extreme positivity. It’s a common trait in people who are bipolar, which I am, although not nearly to the degree I was when I was younger. Usually reality sets in at some point, or the needle swings the other way, & I give up. Between Failures is a rare instance of me not giving up. I don’t know why I was able to stick to this when I could never stick to anything else. Things just aligned in such a way that I was able to slog through the hard times. This will very likely be my most significant contribution to the world, for whatever that’s worth. I know it’s helped some people, & I know some people hate it, & myself, passionately. The ones who have enjoyed it have outnumbered the ones who haven’t so far. There’s a lot of undecideds, so maybe the scales will tip someday.

I was going to try streaming gameplay at one point, but I don’t like the kinds of games that people want to watch being streamed generally. I kind of just want to do my own thing. I’m also not super funny or interesting without someone else to talk to. Or at least I don’t think so. I tend to repeat myself a lot. I also keep weird hours so having a partner would be very hard to make work. At the time I started Nintendo was very anti streaming as well, and I mostly like Nintendo games. I’m not very hardcore. I bought a few things so I could set up video and whatnot, but nothing ever came of it. My hardware is always a little out of date & I’m not very savvy when it comes to that sort of thing anymore.

Since I build with Lego quite a lot I thought maybe I could take video of me doing that, but I’ve never actually taken any video of it. I get very self conscious when I speak out loud to no one. I’m sure everyone must go through that, unless they’re very unaware of themselves. A lot of popular people seem to be like that. The way I talk in the blog may make me seem confident, but I’m actually very shy when I’m uncomfortable and performative actions make me uncomfortable. In text I have time to really choose the exact words I want so I can convey my meaning exactly. Anyway, I’ve seen enough youtube to know that you can do basically anything and someone will watch if you’re even a bit in teresting. I watch a guy just eat expired MREs for hours at a time. It’s just interesting to learn about the history of military rations and to see how long they last. Maybe I could do something chill like that too? I dunno. I never get around to pulling the trigger.

In the end I always prioritize Between Failures because I know it works. Maybe not super well, but well enough, & I’m still in love with my little world. Even though almost nothing happens I’m enthralled by telling these very small stories. I hope I can keep doing it for a very long time to come. The future is always uncertain, but I will allow myself a little bit of hope.

Happy 13th birthday Between Failures.