Before I forget again, thank you to whoever sent me the ridiculously huge gift. If there was supposed to be a note included there wasn’t one, so I don’t know who you are to send a thank you note back. It arrived a while back and I kept getting distracted by things and forgetting to say thank you.

Seeing the box sitting there really threw how working online has sort of ruined me in a way that’s escalating over time. I have stacks of unopened Lego sets, and games I’ve never really touched, because of the idea that I will monetize those experiences. I keep holding off on enjoying anything because of it. It’s not like I never speak about things, but narrating what I intend to do in a game isn’t something I would naturally do. I don’t play games to perform. I play them to not be me for a few hours. Building Lego, or messing with action figures is the same way. I don’t have a narration running in my head for an audience. I just look at the thing and think about whatever goes along with it. At the same time I do want to share some aspect of these things with others, but it’s not something that comes naturally to me. I’m not a born performer. I feel like I have to do something though as a means to keep my house of cards intact.
I’m reticent to start on these things because it’s essentially turning something I do to relax into a job. People who don’t understand performance might well say “It’s not really working.” but it is. It’s just working in a way you’ve never thought about because you haven’t ever done it professionally. If every schmuck had “IT” then there wouldn’t be just a handful of extremely successful streamers. My mother knows who Pewdiepie is, but she’s never even heard of Chibidoki. I’d be willing to bet a lot of you haven’t heard of Chibidoki. She’s out there on my social feed though. The kinds of stress you get from succeeding at video content are different from what I do, but not completely. I’ve spent years dealing with people telling me how much I suck and why I should stop, but not them criticizing my body, or how I talk. More attention means an increase in the negative side too, if you succeed. I don’t want to set the world on fire, I just want to be able to pay for my insurance and go to the dentist sometimes without wondering if I’ll end up homeless later. On top of that, how interesting am I really? How entertaining am I? Do I have qualities that are conducive to that kind of success. My mother is convinced I have a good voice for audio stuff at least. She also, against all evidence to the contrary, thinks I’m smart and interesting. I don’t think I can trust her on that completely because she is one of the very few people on earth who have shown a propensity for tolerating me at all. It’s possible there’s something wrong with her that makes her predisposed to liking me when I’m not really all that likable.
I dunno. I have to try something though. That kind of thing is also a different set of skills than the ones I have. Editing video and audio are disciplines unto themselves. I’m not sure an old dog can teach itself new tricks.

Drawing was always something I did compulsively. I didn’t tend to have a goal, I just drew to keep the voice in my head from overwhelming me. Channeling my anxiety into my hands made me capable of staving off collapse. Taking a core part of yourself like that and making it your job changes the relationship you have with it. When I started doing the comic as a job is when I started having crippling anxiety. It has escalated over time. It’s not an outlet for me the same way it was because on some level my life depends on it and games and toys kind of filled the role of anxiety relief. What fresh hell might I unleash upon myself if I consign those to being conditions of my survival? What is there to take their place? I have had a very limited taste of success as a performer. Even though the comic isn’t me dancing like a trained chimp, it is still a performance. I can extrapolate what an increase in success might be like. Am I strong enough to have even more people tell me how much they hate me every day? Will financial security be enough to offset that potentiality? I don’t know, but I do know that when I see a famous person crashing out I’m a lot more sympathetic about it than I was before I had guts enough to try anything.

People used to try desperately to get me to perform in plays, but I would never do it. It may not seem like it when you read my work here, but I’m painfully shy. Brooksie is very much an illustration of how timid I really am inside. I’ve been alive long enough to have gained some level of confidence when I’m in the outside world, but when a situation starts to spiral out of my control it’s all I can do to keep up the charade of being calm. I like being prepared for situations. When I go to a drive through I want everyone to know what they want before we get there. I want to relay the order in concise, clear, language so as to avoid problems. Being part of a live performance is daunting. I don’t want other people to depend on me. I don’t want to be the weak link. I’m not a team player. You have to be committed to a scripted performance in a way I simply can’t. People really thought I had what it took though. A few pushed me quite a bit. Who was correct we’ll likely never know, but I was the one who made the choice ultimately.

Even these blog posts have evolved over time because my audience could not tolerate me at my most truthful. Not all of it anyway. I was very much unguarded and straightforward in years past and now you get a much more curated version of me because I got sick of having to apologize for my own thoughts. Very few people want an unfiltered version of anyone. That goes double for someone who has as relentless a personality as I do.
Where does all that leave me? Exactly the same place I was when I sat down to type out a few lines as I set up the page for today. This exercise has left me with no particular insight. At least at the moment. Perhaps having written out the thoughts they will rearrange themselves in my person into something more practical. One can only hope.

Anyway, I hope the new week greets you kindly. As always I will return on Wednesday with more offerings. Until then, use Amiibo accessories in many compatible games.

Posts authored by Jackie

3042 Say Not Such Things.