2016-11-04-bf1611-sprise


1611 S’prise.

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I’ve been sitting here for a while trying to think of how to explain what’s been going on with me, but I can’t seem to do it. It feels like somehow time just keeps slipping away from me, or getting taken, and I can never catch up with anything. I made this entire page today. I haven’t had to do that in so long I can’t even remember how long it’s been. I’m honestly surprised I got it done. Even still I’m not happy with it. I meant it’s fine, but I don’t feel like my hands work right anymore. I haven’t felt like that in a long time. Since I got sick nothing seems to work exactly right anymore. I can’t even seem to imagine things in my head the way I used to. I feel cut off from my own ability to create. I think it’s because I’m starting to feel true hopelessness. I’ve always had a sort of negative mindset. I would describe it as more realistic than purely negative before now, but these days… I feel like there’s nothing left for me to hope for. That loss of hope has made it really hard to put myself into the minds of my characters. I don’t feel like they are part of me the way I used to. They’re starting to just feel like lines on a page. A page that is slowly going blank. I’ve actually held off talking about it for quite some time because I haven’t been able to catch my breath long enough to think about it. A lot of the time I don’t feel anything except a mild anger that sometimes manages to get nearly to rage. I’m in a perpetual state of annoyed. Every moment of the day I feel hounded by something or someone. Even when I’m alone the feeling doesn’t abate. I know the clock is always ticking. Additionally I always feel, physically, sort of greasy. Like a thin coat of slime is always on my skin no matter how clean I am. Like a sausage. It’s not real. If I touch my skin it feels clean and normal, (except my face which is actually almost always greasy.) It’s just this imaginary feeling of unclean I feel all the time. Perpetually annoyed and disconnected is my constant state of being.

It also seems like people are going out of their way to do and say things to piss me off, and I can’t tell if it’s just my attitude or if they’re genuinely angry at me. A couple of times it was unquestionable, but even that is weird. I’ve never had so many problems with people suddenly turning on me before. Maybe familiarity has finally bred contempt.

I don’t know what I need to do to fix things. I don’t know what it’s going to take to make me feel like my life isn’t going to be a long, grim, slide to the grave. I really need to think of something though. The longer I exist in this hopeless state the harder it’s going to be to pull out of the nosedive. Maybe that’s why I haven’t allowed myself to verbalize any of it. A certain level of my daily activities can be robotically done without emotional input. As long as I don’t think about anything the parts of me trained to do my job just keep doing it, and will keep doing it until everything sorts itself out. I hope there’s some truth to that anyway.

I kind of feel like if I had time I should try to work this out in comic form. People seem to like this sort of shit in sequential art on the social media. Although they don’t seem to be actually monetizing it at all. Maybe just the attention is the value they’re getting. Although I couldn’t name anyone who has made a comic like that, so it must not work very well… Depression as business may or may not be lucrative. I’ll need to do some research on that someday.

Maybe I just need to talk to someone. It would be cool if I could talk with my mind instead of having to actually talk, or type.

Anyway, that’s where I am. I’m sorry that I can’t fix everything right now, or show what every character is doing when ever it pleases. This is my current best. It may not be much but I bet I’m still trying harder than most.