Today was the first full day with grandpa again. Neither of us have to worry about the time change, but for whatever reason I didn’t sleep well and had a hard time staying awake all day. I say for whatever reason but I folded my right shoulder over funny in my sleep and it throbbed after I finally woke up and realized it. I’ve been having lots of weird new problems with every part of my body recently. Any number of things could be causing them from my weight to unrelenting stress. Since they are new things I don’t know exactly what to do to avoid them. Some of them aren’t just sore muscles and are genuinely concerning. Me being in charge of feeding everyone is really a worst case scenario for everyone. I’m not good at it to start with and I can’t source things that are more reasonable foods. So basically all three of us are being slowly damaged by food made to keep for a long time & premade food. Plus stress makes me want to just drink soda. I’d rather just have a soda than eat most of the time. No amount of easy sugar is going to fix anything though, so it’s just my body trying to find happy brain chemicals any way it can. Most of how our brain wiring is set up is detrimental to a human with easy access to bad food. It’s like the most drawn out suicide you can manage. I really have a lot more sympathy for drug abusers than I did in my youth because I really understand addiction now. You brain wants to feel better so much that it overrides all other logic to try and get that feeling back. My addiction may not be as obviously destructive as an opioid, but in the long term it is and it functions basically the same way. Any little distraction from the relentless bullshit. Just for one fucking second. Maybe I just need to buy myself a pacifier and see if sticking that in my fat face helps anything.
It’s already halfway into March and I haven’t done anything for Patreon. That’s really going to fuck with my patreon pitch at the end of this thing… Any time I try to draw something that isn’t the actual comic I lose focus and it turns into nothing. Or something too weird for patreon. I’m also irritated that I can’t step my game up like I want to. Art is something I can’t learn easily the way I can with things I can hear. It’s a tragic irony that my best learning method is hearing things which doesn’t translate to art most of the time. If I look at a drawing tutorial it’s mostly a waste of time because I have to learn art by doing it & it doesn’t come quickly. Well, actually if it were clay or something it would. Drawing and painting I can’t learn as fast. For whatever reason all the skills I’m good at are at odds with what I ended up doing. It’s always felt like some kind of cosmic “fuck you”. Kind of like how the way I am is charming in person but over social media it just makes me seem insane. I’d really like a second playthrough with knowledge I gained from this one. This doing shit one time is fucking bullshit.

Speaking of the relentless march to the grave, my birthday is fast approaching and, by extension, the comic’s. It will be 16 this year. I will be 46. 50 is starting to really feel like my finishing line at this point. Unless I pull my life out of this nosedive pretty fucking quick. Guess we’ll see. In the meantime you can support the comic via patreon or whatever. The one I said I haven’t been posting too earlier. Yeah. That one. (this is where an image of my eye twitching should go.)

Posts authored by Jackie

2412 Craps In The Cradle.