I intended to do a little more with this, but as I was finishing up I had one of my weird shaking fits that makes me all jittery and incapable of functioning properly. In actual fact it’s still happening right now. Kind of a panic attack but not exactly. This one is particularly bad actually. It keeps coming over me in waves as they do making me feel like I’m about to die then abating a little only to start up again a few minutes after I get myself under control again. Honestly it’s pretty hellish. I always want to get checked out when something like this happens but everyone goes out of their way to make me feel foolish for it after the fact. I think I’d have to actually die for it not to happen and even then I feel like I’d be blamed for it somehow.
I haven’t had a panic attack in a long time. At least not one that fits the description as I know it. They have evolved in the last few years to be part of some new kind of thing I don’t have a name for. I still don’t know what sets them off, but my best guess is tension in my back. Tension builds up and builds up until my system can’t take it anymore. Then it kind of releases as this strange panic thing.
Anyway, this one is so bad I may go to the ER just so I can pay to have someone tell me I’m fine so I can sleep again for the next few days. It may seem insane but paying a huge sum of money just so I don’t have to spend a week fearing that I’ve had some kind of mind heart attack seems like a value sometimes. I really, really, hate living in this state of constant mortal fear.
Of the various terrible ways I’ve felt in my life I prefer crippling suicidal depression. Because with depression like that the idea of death is inviting. You want to walk into the void. This is the polar opposite where you’re totally terrified of death and it feel like it’s right behind you all the time. It is much much worse.
I will now spend a few hours deciding what I want to do and ultimately not going to the ER being miserable the entire time.