One of the things my allergies have always done is negate my ability to feel sleepy. I don’t know how exactly to explain it, but there’s this feeling I get behind my eyes that makes me awake. When my allergies are bad it never goes away. I lay down when I think I should and go to sleep because I think I should, not because my body tells me. It’s only gotten worse since I’ve had my c-pap. Ironically I can hardly sleep without the damn thing now because of the apnea which has gotten much worse since using it. I choke awake almost every time I fall asleep on accident without it. A lot of the time when I wake up now I’m instantly awake without feeling like I’ve slept. I’m just awake and functioning but things aren’t lined up right. I’m often dizzy; to the point of stumbling when it’s at its worst. I can feel whatever it is that my allergies do to me in my ears making things not right. Ear drops don’t help. Sometimes if I pressurize them it will shift back to normal, but not always. I can sometimes get a little relief with eye drops, but it’s very limited in how long it works. Sometimes I use them just before trying to sleep and it shifts me briefly into a more natural feeling sleep at the start. It’s hit or miss depending on other factors.
Some over the counter medicines have some positive effects on the allergies. Benadryl, for example, mimics what I understand to be natural sleepiness. If I haven’t taken it for a while it can knock me out to the point of not being able to function. Most over the counter stuff does that, but it makes my blood pressure medicine less effective, so I’m not supposed to use it. The problem with the nasal stuff… Flonase I think it’s called is that it makes that unable to feel sleepy feeling that allergies give me way worse than normal. It takes away some of the other problems, but the not being able to sleep thing compounds day after day until I start to get dissociative. I think that’s what it’s called. It’s like a depression where you don’t feel emotions sort of. At least that’s what it’s like for me. It’s like watching a movie about your life that you’re sort of not part of anymore. It get that with just the allergies, but the Flonase kicks it up to danger levels. So I stopped using it. I’ve basically just been living with the natural effect of allergies this whole year. I’ve tried a whole range of things but the effectiveness is almost always offset by some side effect that negates any good things do.
The only really useful thing I’ve started is a saline nasal rinse. It doesn’t do much for long as far as the allergies go, but I’ve stopped having the crippling headaches I was getting more and more frequently. I’ve had a couple compared to I don’t know how many from before. I didn’t think it would do anything at all when the doctor told me to try it, but as fake as it seems I can’t argue with the results. It makes my sinuses drain more than they do naturally. They are abnormally small for a man my size, so they’ve been a problem my whole life. Since I was little I would have horrifying headaches that lasted all day. Now they are rare.
Anyway that’s all as may be. I’m just going to have to keep trying things until something works. What I was thinking about is that movie The Happening. Spoiler alert: it’s the one where plants make people kill themselves with pollen, or whatever. I think it’s directed by M. Knight Shamalamadingdong. It’s not a great film, but the idea of plants making people kill themselves is kind of what allergies is like for me. They mess up my brain in a very real way that negatively affects my mood to the point of clinical depression. So the premise of the film is not as insane as it might seem at first.
I’ve never heard anyone else describe the feeling I get behind my eyes when they describe what their allergies do to them. It makes me wonder if I just experience the world differently, or maybe most people aren’t affected in the same way as me. It’s kind of like where is the voice in your head? Mine seems to be in different places depending on how I’m feeling. I don’t like to think about it a lot because it freaks me out when I’m not feeling normal. Generally the voice in my brain, the me that is aware of myself as a being, is kind of between my ears a little above my eye line. But, as I say, it shifts depending on how I’m feeling. When I’m feeling really good it feels like it’s really hard to pin it down as coming from a place. It’s so rare right now that I’m having trouble remembering how it feels. I think it shifts to a little closer to right behind my eyes when I’m feeling good though.
I know I’ve asked this before, but where is your awareness located in your head at any given time? Have you ever even thought about it? Does it just feel like it’s all of your head all the time? I’m curious.