2013-01-01-BFP1022-theprodu


1022 The Producer.

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I’m tired. All the way down to my soul.

I cooked a turkey for the first time in my life today. My dad didn’t die when he ate it, and he said it was good, so it was a success. I don’t like turkey very much unless it’s lunch meat, so I didn’t have any. Dorothy liked the parts I dropped on the floor when I tried to move it. It all disintegrated when I tried to pick it up. I didn’t know that would happen. Whenever I’ve seen turkeys laying around, food style, they seem pretty structurally sound. Maybe it was something I did when I cooked it. I didn’t have any instruction other than what my mom told me over the phone in, like, 2 minutes. Everything else I just guessed at based on 30 some odd years of hearing arguments in the kitchen on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

You know the family system is in total breakdown when I am left to my own devices in the kitchen with complex tasks. It’s not that I can’t follow instructions, it’s that I have a different understanding of words from other people, but you can’t ask a book for clarification. After a certain point I just kind of run on instinct. The thing is though that I like food when it is basically ruined by the standards of most people. I like food dry most of all. Meats need to be cooked all the way till they are not moist at all. Also they need to be as oil free as they can be. Not just because I don’t like greasy stuff, but also because it makes me sick. Literally sick.

Like, if taco meat has that pooling grease that it usually has if it’s homade I have to be sure to mix it with something that will absorb it. Beans will work usually and they almost always come with. It’s kind of like how I can’t drink whole milk, but if it’s poured on cereal it doesn’t bother me, as long as there’s not enough to pool up. Anyway, just about the time everyone starts to complain about food is when I’m pleased with it. This year the ham was forgotten and got overcooked to the point of looking like some kind of wood. I had several slices since ham is my holiday food, but then it got thrown out because everyone thought it was ruined. I would have totally taken it home if anyone had asked. >:| The last couple of holidays they found this thin cut ham that’s like the ultimate perfect ham. I try to get the edge bits if I can, but the inside parts are okay too because it dosn’t hold moisture very well. I’ve made it very clear that this is the kind of ham we should have forever. It’s had an encore so I guess my pathetic begging worked.

I also like lumpy potatoes. I like beef gravy or brown gravy but we always have turkey or chicken kind. I’ve given up on that fight. I’m never going to win it.