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I’ve talked about ASMR in the blog before. This is basically me expressing two different reactions to ASMR that I have. Which is fine, since Nina is as much a version of me as Thomas is deep down. ASMR as a concept isn’t just one thing any more. No more than furries are just one kind of person. It’s the insane spectrum that humanity brings to absolutely everything. From saints to serial killers. I’ve enjoyed several ASMR creators over the years. intentional and unintentional. Gentle Whispering is probably my longest enjoyed channel. I’ve seen her evolution form immigrant to American, maiden to mother, and beyond. My most recent favorite is Reiki With Anna. She’s an nutty lady who waves stones around like magic is real, but I don’t care. Even if magic isn’t real the calming sensations are. She’s very mindful of inclusivity of belief, so even though I think it’s mostly mumbo jumbo she always makes a point to welcome people who think that, which is a kind of inclusivity that is much more genuine than what has become popular. She has an actual ASMR roleplay channel, but it doesn’t work for me as well as the magical rock wiggling. That said, her roleplay videos are extremely high quality. Like, I think she could be an actress if she didn’t want to waggle rocks at people on youtube. I’m glad she likes to waggle rocks though. I have come to learn the value of kind people who waggle rocks.
There’s a German lady I listen to sometimes who only does the pg stuff as a gateway to her sexual content. She always says “Hello, its me. Amy.” But I can’t think of her channel name… ASMR Amy. Of course. I like Valeria ASMR sometimes. The only male voices that works for me is a guy named Dimitri & Bob Ross. Slight Sounds is the second newest channel I like a lot. Anyway, I have to do something now, so I’m going to stop editing this post.

It’s been a really long time since I’ve felt so terrible for so long. In some ways the familiarity of the misery makes it easier to deal with because I know it didn’t manage to kill me before. Of course my quality of life was severely reduced, but win some lose some, I guess. These last couple of weeks have been like 2020 on crack. The really scary thing about that is that I sense that this isn’t even close to as bad as it can get. This is life just kind of dangling the absolute maximum level of misery in front of me me & going “Hey, check this out. I could do this if I wanted to. Wanna see me do it?” In this scenario life sounds like that kid in school that always had fireworks all year round & died at 19 while showing off on a carnival ride.

I spent half an hour this morning just sobbing with worry. Big, snot nosed, ugly, Kevin Smith sobbing. The kind of emotional outburst that makes a woman break up with you for being a huge pussy. I didn’t feel better when I stopped. It was just over and everything was exactly as bad as it was when I started. If it’s like this for me it has to be worse for everyone else & the only thing I can do to help is just shut up an endure. So that’s what I’m going to do. Endure & wait to see what the new normal is going to be.