2020-01-08-BF2107-mytwodads


2107 My Two Dads.

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I used to watch urban exploration videos a while back. Probably 3 years ago now that I think about it… Anyway, I kind of got out of it because things get very samey. Secret things and actual interesting things are rare, strangely enough. So I moved on to other stuff. Of course there’s always time between what inspires stories and when I can actually make them, so this is no different. Although this isn’t urban exploring technically, ghost hunting functions more or less the same way. In fact a lot of urban explores fram their content the same way as a ghost show, except for the supernatural aspect. Of course finding a body isn’t the view draw it once was now that people are hyper moral about human dignity or whatever you want to call it. It’s strange that looking at a corpse is context sensitive. If it’s really old, like a mummy, it’s cool. You can show it on tv. If it’s a guy who just landed on the pavement you can’t, unless it’s a crime drama. Basically it’s bullshit. You can exploit death for views if you have the proper narrative structure. You know, whatever, right? Consistency isn’t the hallmark of humanity.
In any case right now it’s considered naughty to show a corpse you find on video. Will that change? Probably. The rules for things are so fluid at this point you just kind of have to take your chances & hope a mob doesn’t come to get you fired.

My cpap is being less effective than normal right now, and I kicked up a lot of dust in my efforts to make space to dismantle my bed, so I’ve been dealing with really bad confusion all day today. It’s very worrying that my mental acuity is so dependent on that machine. It’s literally crippling if my apnea isn’t well controlled. I get crazy in a very real and dangerous sense. I’m aware of it now so I can mitigate it to a degree, but it still makes me a potential threat to myself and my family. The signs are very familiar to me now. Confusion, blurry vision, headache, and having songs stuck in my head. It’s really weird, but when I don’t get enough oxygen as I sleep it triggers the music part of my brain to kick on. It’s not quite the same as an earworm, but it is similar. Usually a song I’ve heard in the 24 hours before the incident will just play in a loop in the background noise of my thought. This time it happens to be one of the incidental tunes from Fire Emblem. Which is better than a song with words by a lot. Incidental music is actually the best possible scenario in this case. It fades into the background and is less disruptive than say Push It by Salt & Peppa.
At least some portion of the mental problems I’ve had over the last ten years have been clearly caused by sleep apnea. They fade away to just the regular mental fuckery when it’s well controlled. When it isn’t I turn into a lunatic. A barely functional mess of a human that is exasperating to be around, and I’m not exactly a joy on my best days. Seeing the deterioration of my grandfather really gets me to thinking about the future, because I’m mentally much worse than he was at my age. Chances are I will have terrible dementia at a much younger age & frankly you aren’t even yourself anymore at that point. For someone who values control the prospect is hellish. Being me is basically all I do. If I’m not me then what’s the point even?

The worst thing about losing your mental acuity is being able to remember when you had it. I remember how fast I used to be able to remember things, or recall words, or whatever. Not being able to do it anymore is wildly frustrating. My mind is still relatively plastic, but I know it isn’t as much as it used to be & I hate it.