1792 The Sad Place.


The pets who love me the most always act like I’m somehow punishing myself by bathing. They stand anxiously outside and look longingly at me if I open the door to talk to them.

I guess I haven’t really updated any of you in a real way for a while now. Physically and emotionally I’m in a very bad place. The holiday season is so culturally unhealthy already that combining it with almost losing my grandmother and Solomon’s death really doubled down on the stress. Throwing in the Patreon debacle, the power cord incident, and all the other stuff that has been building up over time I’ve slipped down significantly in my ability to cope with my anxiety and depression. I’ve gone along relatively well for a few years as far as mental health is concerned, but with the further reduction of contact with actual humans my focus has been shifting back inward, which is just not good. There’s also the issue of my weight, the terrible increase in my allergies, and upheaval of my sleeping arrangements. I’m in a bad place, but whenever someone talks to me I feel like I’m being silly and they unconsciously, or deliberately, contribute to that. I’m at my worst when I’m on my own, so I’m the only one who really sees it apart from people who read my venting on social media. I’m grateful for that at least. I can’t imagine what things would be like if I couldn’t get any kind of human connection when I’ feeling isolated to the point that I almost can’t cope.

I’ve been trying to raise the humidity in my area in hopes that it will relive some of the allergy problems, but it’s so insanely dry out here it’s like spitting on a frying pan. The other day mom broiled some meat before she left and it was the first time I got sleepy in a way I recognized as normal in months. The moisture from it came into my room via the vents apparently. I’m going to get a humidifier like the one my sister has for my nephew as soon as I can. I’ve never seen one that was so quiet. I think it might help in a small space. I almost ordered one that was marked down, but I hesitated and it went back up the next day, so I’m going to wait it out again.
I think the dryness is partially responsible for the spots in my left eye that are almost constant now. I think my cpap blows into that eye while I sleep and then it never gets the proper level of moisture because of allergies and the lack of humidity. The spots move so they are probably dead cells floating inside my eye, which can be caused by that. I’ve tried eye drops but I just can’t use them often enough to offset the dryness I guess.

I’ve been more polar in my moods than I have been in a long time and it’s almost assuredly down to the insane levels of stress this year has produced across every aspect of life. Fro president pumpkin right down the line. There aren’t any lulls in it anymore. Every day is a fresh disaster that no one can fix. Or at the very least I can’t do anything to affect real change. Everything feels like it’s careening out of control from the moment I wake up to the moment I manage to fall asleep for no more than 4 hours at a time, and there’s not enough content in the world to distract me anymore.