This post is mostly me venting about my health. You can skip it if that bores you.
I’ve been feeling a bit off for a couple three days or so. I’m not sure what exactly is wrong with me, but I know my anxiety is making it worse. I start to feel bad and then it triggers anxiety attacks that have the same symptoms as being sick with all manner of things so I can’t tell what are physical problems and what ones are being caused by the anxiety. Additionally the anxiety is very hard on my body so it seems to do more actual damage than the allergies, or whatever actually do. Ever since I originally got sick with the bacterial infection, however many years ago it was, my body stopped reacting to things in ways I was familiar with. Like being sleepy no longer had warning signs. I don’t get drowsy very often anymore. I just have to kind of guess that because I feel nauseous I might actually be sleepy. I’m also very rarely thirsty. I want to drink soda, but thirst for actual water is rare. Hunger feel like it’s more in my brain than in my stomach now. When I was a kid being hungry came from my stomach, but now it’s like the signal almost never comes from there. Even when my stomach growls the feeling of needing to eat seems to come from my head. Being hot or cold doesn’t register the same way. I’m almost always hot. Even when I’m shivering I will sometimes feel hot. Right at this moment I understand that I am having an anxiety spiral. If something doesn’t happen in the next couple of days to convince my brain that I’m perfectly fine it will just keep getting worse until I am actually sick. My body will make itself sick to take control of the situation. I’ll get more and more anxious until my body finally feels like it would be okay if I just died and then the anxiety will give up. No amount of internal reasoning can stop it at this point. It’s so hard on me. Mentally as well as physically.
It’s strange to know logically that most of what is wrong with me at any given time is being conjured by my own body, but being unable to prove it to myself. For someone who wants to control everything all the time it’s hellish. Only an outside source can convince me I’m fine. Honestly, if a doctor treated me with a placebo and convinced me that whatever it was supposed to be would fix some of my symptoms it would probably work because my mind can convince me of the opposite so easily. I never ask what the side effects of the drugs I take are before I’ve taken them for a while because my brain will make whatever I’m told happen regardless. It’s also why if people give me armchair diagnoses I stop reading as soon as I realize that’s what it’s going to be. If someone says I have the symptoms of MS my mind will start making the symptoms I already know about start happening. No matter how unlikely it is. Virtually all human sickness has the same symptoms. so you can slot in anything to any of them without looking close.
Anyway, I’ve been trying to get back to walking every day since my foot doesn’t always swell up when I do anymore and most of my calf muscle is grown back in. It’s not a lot but it’s the most I’ve been able to do for a long time. It may be too little too late at this point. The constant stresses of the last five or so years have really worn me down. Every time I think I’m okay I get knocked back down a little bit & it’s been harder to get up each time. I’ve walked for a minimum of 15 minutes every day for over a week. Longer if my foot didn’t start to hurt. Maybe part of what’s wrong with me is just acclimating to being more active. It’s kind of strange to me that spending 3 hours walking around a store is not as difficult as just walking constantly for 15 minutes. I mean it’s a slight incline but it seems like it shouldn’t be that big a deal. It’s such a minimal addition to my regular walking around. I guess just walking without stopping to look at stuff is just more focused work.
Anyway, I’m dizzy, my eyes burn, and I don’t want to look at my computer anymore. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be okay again. Cross your fingers kids.